| today's
laugh One cockroach runs into another in a drain.
"Did you hear about the new restaurant?" says
one roach. "It’s unbelievable — the
refrigerator looks like polished silver, the shelves are
clean as a whistle and —"
"Stop," says the other roach.
"Not while I’m eating!"
A termite walks into a barroom and
asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
A farmer sits on a stool, milking his
cow. The fly circles the cow’s head, and then flies
into the cow’s ear. The farmer keeps milking the
cow. Suddenly, he notices the fly, floating in the bucket
of milk. The fly went in one ear and out the udder!
A flea jumped over the swinging doors
of a saloon, drank three whiskeys and jumped out again.
He picked himself up from the dirt, dusted himself down
and said, "OK, who moved my dog?"
1911
INTERESTING MELANGE.
A Chronological Record of Events as they have
Transpired in the City and County since our last Issue.
CAUGHT THE HORSES.
A farmer’s team left unhitched in
front of the postoffice last evening, started to walk
away. The farmer’s dog was under the wagon and
stepped out evidently to see who was driving, for, seeing
no one on the seat, he ran in front of the team, jumping
at the horses heads without barking.
The horses jerked this way and that way
to dodge the dog, but the faithful animal stayed right in
front of them. Finally it jumped high enough to grasp the
inside check lines in its teeth, bringing the horses to a
stop as it dropped between them.
At this moment the farmer came out and
thinking the dog was acting maliciously he took a whip
from the wagon and started at the dog.
Admiring bystanders told him what the
dog had done, and the old farmer bought him a dime’s
worth of beef steak instead of giving him the whip
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Today's Feature Visioning
Committee Meet.
The City of Carthage Visioning
Committee is scheduled to meet this evening in
Memorial Hall for the second presentation by the
group of Drury University students. The public is
invited to the meeting that will be held from
6:30 until 8:30 p.m.
The students will be presenting
visual representations of the community’s
ideas so far. There will be a brief graphical
presentation followed by a time for the community
to discuss the vision that has been developed.
Every ones opinion is vital in the development of
a successful vision for the future.
April DWI Check Points
Announced.
Captain Juan Villanueva,
commanding officer of Troop D, Springfield,
announces that driving while intoxicated
saturations will be held in Jasper and Stone
counties sometime during the month of April 2011.
Troopers assigned to the saturations will
concentrate their efforts on highways which have
been found to have a higher number of
alcohol-related crashes and enforcement contacts.
"The Missouri State
Highway Patrol is committed to removing
intoxicated drivers from our roadways," said
Villanueva. "DWI saturations are part of the
Patrol’s strategy to make Missouri’s
roadways safer."
All citizens are urged to
report any driver they observe operating a
vehicle in an unsafe manner. The public can
contact the Missouri State Highway Patrol
toll-free 1-800-525-5555 or on cell phones at
*55.
NASCAR THIS WEEK
By
Monte Dutton
Fans Are Straw
That Stirs NASCAR
Deep down, some fans must know
they’re stark, raving mad.
It’s in a good way. In
fact, enthusiastic, outrageous,
shirts-and-caps-collecting fans make the NASCAR
world go around. The drink they’re stirring
is a margarita. Declaring the Reggie Jackson
cliché obsolete on account of the statute of
limitations, the fans, collectively, are the
straw.
When that green flag waves, and
Darrell Waltrip commences to hollerin’, they
are crazy as Charlie Sheen. Sheen wants some of
what those folks are on.
God love ‘em.
But it’s unreasonable to
believe that either, a) NASCAR, or b) Rick
Hendrick doesn’t want Dale Earnhardt Jr. to
win. It’s no more reasonable to believe that
NASCAR wants Jimmie Johnson to win the Sprint Cup
championship every year.
Even in Daytona Beach, Fla.,
most things are on the level.
Many folks seem to think that
the media has a bias. This is because it’s
difficult for a journalist to think in the head
of a fan, who thinks anyone whose opinion is
different from his is biased. He or she is biased
against him or her, and it’s true, simply
because he or she isn’t, in fact, him or
her.
He is on first. She is on
second. Him is at short. Her is at third.
Who’s on the hill? I Don’t Know. Likes
to throw curves.
What has recently become
apparent is that many fans think it’s
perfectly appropriate for members of the media to
jump up and down, stomp and cheer wildly after a
driver wins a race, which begs the question: Do
they want the media to be biased, or don’t
they?
Alas, this profession has its
own set of rules, same as a plumber, a
pediatrician and a politician. OK, maybe
politician is a poor example.
Being stark, raving crazy,
it’s natural for fans to think the media
ought to be stark, raving crazy, too. Which is
true, but in a different way.
The best conclusion was
probably John Prine’s. "It’s a
big, old goofy world."
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Just Jake
Talkin'
Mornin',
I can’t ever seem ta
find a pencil when I’d really rather use
one instead of the typical ball point.
‘Course if I do happen to get lucky
enough to find the lead centered instrument,
it’s eraser is worn to a nub. Guess
folks usin’ pencils make more mistakes
than the manufacturers recommended per
pencil.
As a kid I always had those
"extra" erasers that fits over the
worn out one. And of course a large eraser
that had a soft end and a get down to
business end with some kinda sand in it. Good
for punchin’ a hole right in the
critical homework.
Now that calculators are
the norm, I won’t be surprised if folks
start thinkin’ of pencils as an antique
utensil, sellin’ at the flea market for
five bucks a throw.
At least then when I needed
a pencil, I’d know where I could find
it.
This is some fact, but
mostly,
Just Jake Talkin’.
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Weekly
Column
CLICK and CLACK
TALK
CARS
Dear Tom and Ray:
I wonder if it is possible to
take one feature from a hybrid car and use it on
a regular car to save gas. When stopped at a red
light or stop sign, or dead cold in a traffic
jam, why can’t a regular car have the
feature that simply shuts off the engine and then
turns it on again when you hit the gas pedal?
Come to think of it, golf carts do this, too. Is
it some Foreign Oil or Big Three conspiracy that
keeps us from benefiting from this ingenious
fuel-saving feature? Why couldn’t this be
installed in my trusty Saturn Ion? -- Luther
RAY: You already have that
feature, Luther. It’s called the key.
TOM: Actually, you’re
looking for an automatic system. The good news is
that it’s on its way. A number of
manufacturers are planning to add
"stop-start" technology to their
non-hybrid new cars in coming years.
RAY: Engineers say that gas
mileage can be increased by as much as 5 percent
to 10 percent with stop-start, depending on how
much you what? Stop and start!
TOM: But you can’t easily
retrofit it to your 2006 Saturn Ion. The problem
is that your car’s starting system, which
consists of a 12-volt battery and a 12-volt
starter motor, is designed to start the car only
a few times a day. It’s not built to start
the engine hundreds of times a day. And it
won’t hold up.
TOM: You’d need a more
robust starting system, and that’s really
something you have to design from the beginning.
RAY: A popular system in use by
cars that have start-stop systems is a
belt-driven alternator that doubles as a starter
motor. So when the engine is running, the engine
spins the alternator, which charges the battery.
And when the engine’s not running, the
alternator becomes a starter motor, and it turns
the belt, which starts the engine.
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Copyright 2011, Heritage
Publishing. All rights reserved.
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