The Mornin' Mail is published every weekday except major holidays
Wednesday, July 13, 2011 Volume XX, Number 17

did ya know?.

Did Ya Know?..The Grace Episcopal Church will hold an Art-A-Fair this Friday, July 15 from 5-8 p.m. Silent Auction, wine tasting & cheeses. Donation of $5 to benefit Youth Travel.

today's laugh

Things Rednecks Will Never Say

-I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

-Duct tape won’t fix that.

-Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

-Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.

-We don’t keep firearms in this house.

-Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

-You can’t feed that to the dog.

-I thought Graceland was tacky.

-No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.

-Wrestling’s fake.

-Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

-We’re vegetarians.

-Do you think my gut is too big?

-I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

-Honey, we don’t need another dog.

-Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?

-Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

-Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

-She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.

-Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

-Hey, here’s an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven’t seen.

-I don’t have a favorite college team.

-Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

-Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

-Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin’ tonight.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother: "Who’s this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"

"That’s your father."

"Then who’s that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"


A Chronological Record of Events as they have Transpired in the City and County since our last Issue.

Nine-Year Old Boy Thrown From an

Electric Car and May Die.

This afternoon a boy about nine years of age, whose name could not be learned was thrown from an electric car just beyond Lakeside park and received what is thought to be fatal injuries.

The lad belonged to a party of school children from either Carterville or Webb City who were on their way to the park to see the Jasper County Exhibit. He was sitting on the rear platform of the car and in some way caught his foot in a cattle guard as they whizzed past and was thrown 20 feet in the air. He was terribly injured by the fall and from the information obtainable is probably fatally hurt.

The car was due to arrive in Carthage at 3 o’clock but was 15 minutes late on account of the accident. The boy was taken to Lakeside and then sent back to his home on the next car.

  Today's Feature

Sheriff Dunn Challenges Authority.

Jasper County Sheriff Archie Dunn filed a suit against the Jasper County Commission on Monday in a challenge to the Commission’s authority to dissolve the former Law Enforcement Grant Fund Application Panel that had been appointed by Sheriff Dunn. The Commission has since appointed five members of their own choosing. The Panel oversees approximately $150,000 in grants to local emergency services agencies within the county. The funding comes from a 4.3% portion of the 1/4% Jasper County sales tax approved in 2005 by a vote of the people. The ballot language itself was straight forward, reading:

"Shall the County of Jasper impose a county wide sales tax of one quarter of one percent on all retail sales for the purpose of providing law enforcement services for the County?"

During discussions before the tax was approved, the Commission and Sheriff Dunn made several agreements as to how the revenue would be handled. The Commission has argued that those agreements are still in their realm of resposibility, and can be modified.

Jasper County Jail Count

195 July 12, 2011

Total Including Placed out of County

Just Jake Talkin'

One a the hardest things ta get across to a new swimmer is that if ya relax, most folks will float.

The thing that sinks most who try to float is they don’t understand that the feet don’t float. When the feet start sinkin’, they panic and down they go.

The trick is to get a good amount of air in the lungs and just relax. The feet go down and the head will tilt forward into the water. If ya just relax and be still, you’ll float till ya need ta take another breath. To do this you just raise your head and give a little kick to raise ya up a bit. This survival technique is simple and nearly always works.

Most of us find it hard to take a minute and get a deep breath to relax. I’m sure it was this concern that prompted the clerk over the weekend to politely ask me to go jump in the lake.

This is some fact, but mostly,

Just Jake Talkin’.

Sponsored by Carthage Printing

Weekly Column


By JoAnn Derson

• To bring out the natural sweetness of corn on the cob, try sprinkling a little bit of sugar in the pot after the water has come to a boil.

• If the scar of a cantaloupe is rough or has a stem attached, the melon was picked too early and won’t ripen as well as one with a smooth scar. Also, check the net pattern on the outside; it should be even and an overall tan-yellow color, not green or mottled.

• You can remove berry stains from your fingers with lemon juice. Got berry juice on your tablecloth? Here’s E.B. of Mississippi’s suggestion: "Pour a generous amount of milk on the spot, let it soak for 15 minutes or more. Then soak in cold water with soap for an hour or more. Wash, rinse and dry."

• Soak raisins in cold water before chopping so that they won’t stick to your knife.

• "Use lined-up celery ribs to create a base for your roast. This way, the juices move around more and the roast never sticks to the pan. I serve the celery with the roast, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to." -- A.T. in Tennessee

Copyright 2011, Heritage Publishing. All rights reserved.