Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny
magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency
"Hell be fine," the
doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through
his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she
"Well," the doctor suggested,
"you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he
falls off, youll know."
"If youll make the toast and
pour the juice, Sweetheart," said the newlywed
bride, "breakfast will be ready."
"Good, what are we having for
breakfast?" said the new husband.
"Toast and juice," the bride
I said. "Men are good for only one
"Yes," my mother interjected,
"but how often do you have to parallel park?"
A Chronological Record of Events as they have
Transpired in the City and County since our last Issue.
Is He The Rape Fiend?
Leader-Democrat contains a notice of the arrest at that
place of one Frank Murphy, a tramp.
His clothing answers the description
exactly of that worn by the man wanted here for outraging
Mrs. Kaz Bishop northeast of town, and adds that
"Carthage officers will be notified of the
arrest." They will look into it, as the fellow may
be the man, or if he has the clothes it may be a hobo who
has changed clothes with the fiend and may thus be able
to give a clue to his whereabouts.
The farmers of the Marsh neighborhood
have a committee at work soliciting subscriptions to the
reward for the capture of the rapist. A gentleman from
that neighborhood informed Deputy Sheriff Nate Smith that
over $500 had been raised. There seems to be no doubt
that the $1000 the farmers set out to raise will be
Deadline to Apply for SBA
Disaster Loans is Friday
The deadline to apply for
disaster loans through the U.S. Small Business
Administration is Friday, July 29th. The Joplin
Area Chamber of Commerce asks that ALL businesses
apply for disaster loans with the SBA. This is an
important step in the process of rebuilding
business in the community. Businesses are not
required to accept SBA loans if offered, however,
businesses must have applied in order to be
eligible for other gap financing options that may
be available. Businesses that did not experience
physical damage are eligible to apply for
economic impact loans. The deadline for the
economic impact loans is February 9, 2012.
Currently, SBA has approved
over $26.6 million in disaster loans in Jasper
and Newton County, $19.8 million for residential
and personal property losses and $6.8 million for
Businesses may register with
the SBA at the Business Recovery Center located
inside the Joseph Newman Innovation Center
adjacent to the Joplin Area Chamber of Commerce
located at 320 East 4th Street. The Business
Recovery Center is staffed by SBA officials as
well as the Small Business and Development and
County Jail Count
206 July 27,
Including Placed out of County
NASCAR THIS WEEK
Newman Relishes Rare
LOUDON, N.H. -- When Ryan
Newman crossed the finish line at New Hampshire
Motor Speedway, having won for the 15th time in
his Sprint Cup career, he enjoyed a pleasing, but
Newman also started on the pole
in the Lenox Industrial Tools 301. It was the
47th pole of Newmans career. Only nine
drivers have ever won more. But it was only the
fourth time Newman won after starting out front.
"We backed up what
everybody said we couldnt back up," he
said. "That was our qualifying effort on
Friday. I had won three for 46, now four for 47.
"Well relish this
moment and figure out what we did right so we can
keep doing it."
Eight of Newmans 15
career victories occurred in 2003, when he drove
for Roger Penske. He was selected as Cups
2002 Rookie of the Year over Jimmie Johnson, who
has since won five championships.
Newmans owner and
teammate, Tony Stewart, finished second, marking
the first time teammates both started and
finished 1-2, in the same order, since 1957.
As the laps wound down, Newman
had track position but was low on fuel. He
managed to save enough fuel to maintain the lead
and hold off Stewarts charge.
"One of the best cars here
is the 14 (Stewart). There were a
couple other cars at different times, but the
14 was mired back in traffic,"
said Newman. "He had to run the wheels off
of it to get up to where he had some track
position so he could try to run us down.
"Fortunately, it stayed
green. I was more worried about a yellow coming
out with five to go. Do we have enough fuel
for a green-white-checkered (finish)? Usually
those things that come and squash us didnt
happen today. Maybe a change of luck for us from
Newman, like Stewart, is a
native of Indiana. The 33-year-old South Bend
native graduated from Purdue University in 2001
with a degree in vehicle structure engineering.
Now eighth in the Sprint Cup
point standings, Newman became the 13th driver to
win in the seasons first 19 races.
I heard bout this gal
that won a cookin contest. She said the
secret to her roast was cuttin a little
off each end fore she put it ta cook.
Said she didnt know xactly why it
worked but her mother had always done it that
A snoopy reporter decided
ta find out why this would make it taste any
better. He went to the mother to uncover the
secret. She told him that she never prepared
a roast without first cuttin a little
off each end, the way her mother did.
Finally the reporter went
to the grandma. When asked the grandma
replied: "I dont know bout
tastin better. Ma did it cause we
didnt have a pan big enough to fit a
full roast in."
Sometimes it takes someone
lookin a things a little different ta
find out whats really goin on.
This is some fact, but
Just Jake Talkin.
Metcalf Auto Supply
CLICK and CLACK
My boss and I are in a
never-ending prank war. I really want to hook up
one of those horns to his car that plays the
ice-cream-truck jingle. And I want to have it
come on whenever he starts the car. The problem
is that I have no idea how to do this. Can you
guys help me? Cheers! -- SaraMarie
RAY: Thats a great prank,
TOM: That meets all of the
criteria of the American Prank Association:
Nobody gets hurt, physically or psychologically.
Its reversible, so theres no
permanent damage to person or property. And, most
importantly, its not mean-spirited, so the
prankee can laugh along and appreciate the
cleverness that went into pulling it off -- while
hes plotting his revenge.
RAY: So we approve of this
prank wholeheartedly. The first thing youre
going to have to do is find the horn.
TOM: I dont know where
youll find it, but Id say the
prospects are good. After all, weve heard
horns that play "La Cucaracha,"
"Dixie," and the mating calls of a wide
variety of farm animals. So check online, or try
the JC Whitney catalog.
RAY: Then youll need to
recruit a mechanic whos willing to play
TOM: Since you work with your
boss, youre going to schedule an important
meeting for him -- preferably in a windowless
room -- while the mechanic is working on his car
in the office parking lot. And youre going
to keep him there until you get word that the
coast is clear.
RAY: Installing a horn is a
pretty easy job. Your mechanic shouldnt
even need the keys.
TOM: Im glad you
dont work for me, SaraMarie! Well, let us
know how it goes. And well start thinking
about revenge ideas for when your boss writes to
us. Have fun.
Copyright 2011, Heritage
Publishing. All rights reserved.