| today's
laugh Soon after our last child left home for college,
my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his
head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.
"You know, honey," I said sweetly,
"without your glasses, you look like the same
handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a
grin. "Without my glasses, you still look pretty
good too!"
The surgeon walked up to the patient
and said "Ah Mr Jones, I have some good news and
some bad news". The patient said "Well you
better give me the bad news first".
The doctor said, "Well we kinda
got the charts mixed up a bit and we amputated your feet
in error".
The patient very distraught is now
sobbing and saying "Oh my God, well please tell me
what the good news is".
The doctor said "It’s not so
bad, you see, the guy in the bed next to you wants to buy
your slippers"
The year 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now
killing millions in the seventh largest country in the
world, Mexifornia formally known as California.
Spotted Owl plague threatens
northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally . . .
scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate
heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim
dies in the American Territory of the Middle East
(formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists
estimate it will take at least 10 more years before
radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after
being overtaken by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban
cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea
Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for
President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first
class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to
Wednesdays only.
85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and
Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to
250 lbs.
1911
INTERESTING MELANGE.
A Chronological Record of Events as they have
Transpired in the City and County since our last Issue.
Miss Tillie King
Surprised.
Dr. H. O. Scott’s Sunday school
class surprised Miss Tillie King at her home on Grant
street last evening. Charades and games of various kinds
were the order of the evening, which was pleasantly
spent. Light refreshments were served. Miss Mabel
Hamilton photographed the group by flash light. Those
present were Dr. and Mrs. Scott, Misses Mabel Hamilton,
Ethel Brown, Minnie Gladden, Lillian Schooler, Maj. J. L.
Moore, and Messers, Jay Butcher, Robt. Elliott, Thurlow
Fellers, Duncan Hanna, and N. W. Boillot.
Mr. C. Fingerlee, of union township,
who is in Carthage today, says that when he crossed
Center creek this morning there was not a particle of
water flowing. Mr. Fingerlee is an old settler here but
says this is the first time he has seen the water so low
as that, which gives an idea of the extent and severity
of the present drought.
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Today's Feature Road Map to
Recovery.
Officials have announced the
establishment of a planning framework and process
to develop a recovery road map following the May
22 tornado. The process will integrate a
multi-disciplinary team of professionals and
volunteers supporting recovery planning,
comprehensive planning and economic development
strategies.
"Working together, we can
make the best of this situation. The incredible
community spirit that we saw for the response
will be our strength in recovery," said Rob
O’Brian, President, Joplin Area Chamber of
Commerce.
While final details of the
recovery planning process are still being
refined, representatives from Joplin, Duquesne,
and Joplin Area Chamber of Commerce will visit
Greensburg, Kansas to discuss long-term recovery
experiences with residents and local officials
that have dealt with post-disaster redevelopment,
to consider if some of the strategies employed
there can be successfully applied in Joplin.
The public engagement process
is designed to establish a systematic approach to
challenging and complex issues.
Jasper
County Jail Count
202 July 5, 2011
Total
Including Placed out of County
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Just Jake
Talkin'
Mornin',
In all the time I’ve
spent lookin’ through flea markets and
the such, I have run across all sorts of
gadgets that someone has an explanation for.
Some will just outright tell ya they
don’t have the faintest idea, but there
is always one who has an opinion ta fit any
oddball mechanical device.
The one gizmo that
I’ve never come across, and looks ta me
like would have been implemented by someone,
is an automatic toilet seat lowerin’
device.
It would appear to be a
simple enough setup of a couple a levers and
a foot pedal of some sorts. Stand in front of
the throne and place your foot on the pedal,
the lid comes up. Step back and it
automatically lowers to the more feminine
position.
From all the talk about
this major point of contention between the
sexes, looks like someone would find an
answer.
This is some fact, but
mostly,
Just Jake Talkin’.
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Carthage Printing |
Weekly
Column
HERE’S A TIP
By
JoAnn Derson
• Glassware will sparkle
if you add a capful of bleach to the rinse water
when hand-washing dishes.
• "Berries are in
season, and I use berry baskets for lots of
little storage needs. My favorite one is to hold
my sponges at the sink area. A basket will keep
small brushes corralled as well." -- I.R. in
Florida
• "We had an
impromptu princess/magical fairy tea party at our
house yesterday, and we came up with the best
on-the-spot magic wands. We cut big stars out of
paperboard (like a cereal box) and decorated them
with stickers, construction paper and glitter,
then we threaded them on long kebab sticks. I
snipped the pointy end and covered it with
colorful tape. Presto, party wand!" -- E.D.
in Maine
• To keep salt from coming
out of a saltshaker too quickly, add some plain
uncooked white rice to the shaker. The large
grains will block some of the holes, causing less
salt to come out with each shake. The rice also
will absorb moisture and keep the salt from
clumping.
• "When I take my dog
to ‘Grandma’ for dog-sitting, I measure
out each meal into a plastic zipper-top bag. This
way, Mom doesn’t have to remember how much
to feed at each mealtime, and it makes it easy to
serve." -- V.Y. in Texas
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Copyright 2011, Heritage
Publishing. All rights reserved.
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