A prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He
approached her and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know
She responded, Why, yes, I do
know you Mr. Williams. Ive known you since you were
a young boy. And frankly, youve been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
you manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think youre a rising big shot when you
havent the brains to realize you never will amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing
what else to do he pointed across the room and asked,
Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense
She again replied, Why, yes I do.
Ive known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too,
has been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy,
bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man cant
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state.
Yes, I know him.
At this point, the judge rapped the
courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the
bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace,
If either of you asks her if she knows me,
youll be jailed for contempt!
One prospective employee dutifully
wrote the name of his high school, followed by the dates
attended: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and
On the other hand, you
have different fingers.
A Chronological Record of Events as they have
Transpired in the City and County since our last Issue.
The Baby Has a Home.
The baby abandoned in the yard of a
North Maple street residence did not remain long without
a home after being taken to the poor farm. The baby
arrived at the farm and was taken the next day by a man
and his wife named Dudley who lives on Cedar street in
this City. They are excellent people and will adopt the
Tomatoes a Few
"I remember well - and I am not an
old man either - when the tomato plant was considered
poisonous," said Professor Blanton. "My mother
used to call the tomato the love apple. The vegetable was
cultivated for its ornamental value strictly, and while
nearly every southern farmer had it in his garden he
warned his children against it as if it contained arsenic
or strychnine. I dont think it has been longer than
thirty-five years since the tomato was regarded in this
The City of Carthage Civil War
Sesquicentennial Committee invites all to the
Battle of Carthage Moment of Remembrance on July
5th at 10 A.M. on the South Side of the Jasper
County Courthouse steps. The ceremony will
feature city and county representatives and honor
those who lost their lives in the Battle of
Churches are encouraged to ring
their bells promptly at 10 AM in remembrance of
our war torn community. For additional
information contact the Carthage Convention &
Visitors Bureau 417-359-8181.
The City of Carthage Civil War
Sesquicentennial Committee is still accepting
applications for vendors for the Sesquicentennial
Commemoration on July 9, 2011 in Central Park.
Vendors do not need to be authentic to the period
but should have a state sales tax ID and a
license to do business in Carthage. Interested
parties may contact Wendi at the Carthage
Convention & Visitors Bureau.
417-359-8181 or firstname.lastname@example.org
County Jail Count
221 June 29,
Including Placed out of County
NASCAR THIS WEEK
Dr. Feelgoods Manchurian
Its almost impossible to
have a daydream about a nightmare. It happened to
me, though, during the press conferences at
Michigan International Speedway on June 17.
Stock-car racing changed a lot
when Dale Earnhardt died because, in his absence,
Imperial NASCAR had no one who would stand in its
way. Racing changed when Winston left, not
because RJR sold tobacco but because its leaders
understood racing and put their money where their
mouth was. Winston had clout. Sprint just writes
a check and, as a result, NASCAR has been
unchecked ever since.
David Pooles death
removed an obstacle from NASCARs path.
Poole stood up to a ruling body that was
interested in the media only to the extent that
it could manipulate it. A bone of contention
between Poole and me was his belief that I was
not civic-minded enough. David would trot off a
heated email in a heartbeat. He got frustrated at
me because I didnt think it did any good.
If I told David once, I told
him 50 times, "Sorry. Id rather have
the bad will." If I feel Im being
treated badly, it fuels my writing.
"Id love to help you, David, but that
stuff just costs me too many columns."
NASCAR doesnt have
drivers anymore. The cars are being piloted by
drones. I thought drug testing consisted of urine
samples, but some NASCAR drivers act as if
theyve had samples taken from their brains.
Stock-car racers are supposed
to be rugged individualists. The sport grew out
of hell-raising, plain-speaking men who said what
they thought and didnt lose any sleep over
what anyone else thought. The legends of Curtis
Turner, Joe Weatherly, Tim Richmond and Junior
Johnson are as alien to modern NASCAR as King
Arthur and Guinevere to Prince William and Kate.
It took England centuries to change. It took
NASCAR a decade.
As I read the wholesome pearls
of Tony Stewarts wisdom, I think of neither
Earnhardt nor Poole.
Stewart: "... at the end
of the day, I like to have a sanctioning body
like NASCAR that is going to make sure things go
the way that they are supposed to be and that
they arent pushing it that far."
I couldve gotten that
from an episode of "The Mickey Mouse
Club": "N-A-S ... because we love you
... C-A-R ... M-O-U-S-E." Except in NASCAR,
no one even goes through the motions of echoing
back "Donald Duck!"
Last week I couldnt
believe my ears reading what Ryan Newman said. On
Friday, another driver who used to halfway answer
a question straight, Denny Hamlin, sounded as if
he had been guzzling Dr. Feelgoods Magical
Ryan Newman, who apparently has
been secretly fined at least twice, said last
week, "When we are talking about fines,
whether it is private or public, there is nothing
really we should elaborate on because it is not
something that our sport should be proud of or
should elaborate. To me, it is something for you
guys to write, but it is not something that is
good for our sport, so its not something we
want to keep talking about, first of all. ...
My brother and a friend
contracted to mow a teachers yard while
the instructor was away for the summer.
Bein still in Jr. High, the two boys
split the summer down the middle. My brother
was to take the responsibility the second
half because he had other stuff goin on
earlier. The deal was for the lawn ta be
mowed ever two weeks.
The buddy mowed late
durin his reign, that is until the last
two week period. He mowed that early, by
about a week. When my brother returned to
begin his turn, there was a months
growth of yard ta cut.
After several days of
attackin the lawn with the mower, a
farmer was called in with a tractor and hay
cycle. After cleanin up the hay, the
lawn was mowed back to normal.
The teacher returned to a
nice lawn, but probly wondered
bout the occasional tractor tire
This is some fact, but
Just Jake Talkin.
CLICK and CLACK
Goofy problem here: We were
loaned a Jeep Cherokee by our daughter while our
vehicle is being repaired. With a catch, of
course: It needed a "speed sensor" in
order to pass the emissions test. We got the
part, had it installed and failed the emissions
We were told that we needed to
put 50-100 miles on the thing before they could
retest the emissions. Is that standard for
electronic parts? Is there some rationale
Im missing on that? Basically, I need to
know so I can tell the judge why Im driving
without an inspection sticker. How are you
supposed to put 100 miles on the car in order to
get it inspected if youre not supposed to
drive it until it passes inspection? Thanks! --
RAY: Good questions, Nan. But
your emissions inspector is right.
TOM: Heres how
inspections work these days. A scanner gets
plugged into your cars computer port. That
scanner downloads a bunch of emissions-related
information that your cars computer has
monitored and stored.
RAY: But if your battery dies
completely, gets disconnected or the
computers memory gets wiped out for some
other reason (which Im guessing is what
happened in your case), the computer doesnt
have enough stored data to determine whether you
should pass inspection.
TOM: So when you drive around
for those 100 miles, what the computer is doing
is collecting fresh data.
RAY: If theres not enough
data collected, or if everything is NOT working
correctly, then you fail your inspection. I
dont know how it works in all 50 states,
but where we live, you then get a temporary
"Rejected" sticker, and you have 60
days to drive around, humiliated, fix the problem
and get re-inspected.
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