| today's
laugh There’s this little guy sitting inside a
bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for
half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck
driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy,
and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck
driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here,
I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a
man crying." "No, it’s not that. Today day
is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late
to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.
When I left the building to my car, I found out it was
stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I
got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver
and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet
in the cab. I got home only to find my wife run off. I
left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking
about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my
poison ..."
A man is in bed with his wife when
there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock,
and it’s half past three in the morning.
"I’m not getting out of bed at this time,"
he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren’t you going to answer
that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes
downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing
at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to
realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the
stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It’s half past
three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the
door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what
happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn’t very
nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in
the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the
baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house
to get us started again? What would have happened if
he’d told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says
the husband.
"It doesn’t matter,"
says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be
the right thing to help him." So the husband gets
out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able
to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you
still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out,
"Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the
stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies,
"I’m over here, on your swing."
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat
food?
1911
INTERESTING MELANGE.
A Chronological Record of Events as they have
Transpired in the City and County since our last Issue.
TRAP WAS A SUCCESS.
J. P.
Leggett’s Invention at the Aurora
Shooting
Match—A Good Tournament.
The shooting tournament at Aurora
Wednesday was well attended. Six members of the
Carthage—Joplin gun club were present and made some
good scores.
The new trap of J. P. Leggett of this
city was used and pronounced a decided success. The
electric trap requires four men to work it. Mr.
Leggett’s requires the service of only two and it
throws farther, with better speed and is more regular in
its action. It will do the work of three of the
celebrated expert traps.
Mrs. J. B. Chaffee entertained about
twenty friends at bid euchre last evening in honor of her
guests Mr. and Mrs. Clark of Cripple Creek. Mrs. H. M.
Cornell won the prize—a handsome book bound in
flexible covers.
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Today's Feature Candidate Forum
Scheduled.
City Council and School Board
Elections will be held on April 5. The public
will have the opportunity to meet and get to know
the candidates at the Carthage Chamber of
Commerce Candidate Forum on Tuesday, March 29.
All candidates for Carthage City Council and the
Carthage R-9 School Board have been invited to
attend. This forum will have a meet-and-greet
format, with each candidate having the
opportunity to speak.
Candidates for Carthage City
Council: 1st Ward - No candidates filed; 2nd Ward
- No candidates filed; 3rd Ward - Steve
Leibbrand; 4th Ward (2-year term) - Bill Welch
and Dan Rife; 4th Ward (1-year term) - John
Cooper and Lee Carlson; 5th Ward - Adam Givens,
Ed Hardesty and Lujene Clark
Candidates for Carthage R-9
School: Board Jeff Jones - President of the Board
of Education;Tony Diggs - Board of Education
member; Elizabeth Streich - Candidate for Board
of Education; Alan Snow - Candidate for Board of
Education
The Forum will be held at 7:30
a.m. at Forest Park Carthage, 430 Forest. The
public is encouraged to attend this free event.
NASCAR THIS WEEK
By
Monte Dutton
Jeff Gordon Puts
Field on Notice
Lost perhaps in the knowledge
that Jimmie Johnson has won five straight Sprint
Cup championships is the fact that Jeff Gordon
has won four.
Perhaps by winning at Phoenix
International Raceway, Gordon served notice that
he might just equal his Hendrick
Motorsports’ teammate this year. Sixty-six
races had passed between the 82nd and 83rd
victories of Gordon’s career.
Gordon, 39, won four
championships in his first nine seasons but
hasn’t won any in the nine years since his
most recent championship (2001).
"There was a lot of
pressure on us, not just this year ... but going
back the last 66 races that we have not had a
win," said Gordon, "so there was a lot
of pressure. ... You hear it from the media, you
hear it from the fans, and it’s hard to
ignore that.
"I guess every race-car
driver knows that there’s going to be that
time in their life when they are not going to go
to victory lane again, and you don’t know
when that time is going to come. I was so hoping
that time was not for me now."
Gordon hadn’t gone away.
He was just missing in victory lane for quite a
while.
Though Gordon has never won a
championship under the so-called Chase format, he
made the Chase in six of its seven years,
finishing second to Johnson in 2007 and third in
2009 (to Johnson) and 2004 (to Kurt Busch).
Still, Gordon was winless in 2008 and 2010,
winning once in 2009.
"I felt like I still have
it in me," he said. "I know how
passionate I am about it, but things have changed
in the sport. The cars have changed. Tires have
changed. Competition has changed.
"So, when you go through a
streak of without winning, you think, OK, is it
me or what is it? Days like (this) allow you to
gain that confidence in yourself, just keep doing
what you’re doing, what’s gotten you
victory lane in the past, keep giving that good
information, and when the tools are around you,
and the chemistry is there throughout the whole
team and good decisions are made, days like
(this) will happen."
Simple as that.
***
Monte Dutton covers motorsports
for The Gaston (N.C.) Gazette. E-mail Monte at
nascarthisweek@yahoo.com.
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Just Jake
Talkin'
Mornin',
Happened to catch a portion
of a series on the history of firearms. As is
the case with a lot a things I suppose, the
machines needed to make precision parts for
guns were modified from time to time to
produce other products. Bicycles, sewing
machines, typewriters and the such were
usually manufactured near firearms
facilities.
Followin’ the story
made me think of current times and the
development of all sorts of products that
came from the space race. A lot of
discoveries led to ever’day products
that we now take for granted. Tang for one.
‘Course a lot of computer technology was
driven by the needs of things ta be small and
affordable. I’ll prob’ly never ride
a space craft, or for that matter ever take
another swig of that fake orange drink.
This is some fact, but
mostly,
Just Jake Talkin’.
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Weekly
Columns
CLICK and CLACK
TALK
CARS
Dear Tom and Ray:
My dog is addicted to getting
his lips on the air ducts on the dash of my car.
He licks the vents feverishly, and he drools as a
result. I told a friend that I think my dog is a
Freon junkie. I think the dog is getting a boost
of energy from the Freon by licking the air vent.
My friend says, "No way." He says that
Freon would not be coming out of the vents. This
is a daily occurrence, as I take him across the
highway to the soccer field to run. Do you think
there is any Freon coming through the air vents?
--Vera
RAY: No. I think the poor
little guy is carsick.
Beat up old carTOM: Yeah. Dogs
often drool when they’re nauseous. Or when
you dangle a pork chop in front of them. But
since there are no pork chops in the vicinity, I
think it’s a warning sign that your
puppy’s stomach contents are considering a
return engagement, Vera.
RAY: He’s probably just
trying to get the coolest, freshest air possible
in hopes of trying to keep his kibble down until
he gets to the soccer field.
TOM: So you can try driving a
little slower or smoother. Or if the issue
isn’t you (like people, some dogs are more
sensitive to certain drivers or certain cars),
you should check with your veterinarian and get
Fido the canine equivalent of Dramamine.
Don’t give him any human medicines, because
the results could be disastrous.
RAY: Even more disastrous than
cleaning dog barf off your velour upholstery.
Good luck, Vera.
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Copyright 2011, Heritage
Publishing. All rights reserved.
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