A young executive was leaving the office late
one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a
shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO,
"this is a very sensitive and important document
here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you
make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young
executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper,
and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said
the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy..."
"This is a nice place. Ive
never been here before," he says to the guy next to
"Oh, really?" the other
replies. "It is a nice place. Its also a very
"Why is that?" the first guy
asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far
wall? Thats an original Van Gogh, and this stool
Im sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, thats amazing!"
says the first guy.
"Not only that, but you see that
window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind
does strange things outside that window. If you jump out
youll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches
you and youre pushed back up."
"No way! Thats
impossible," the guy scoffs.
"Not at all. Take a look,"
the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the
window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls
out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a
stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back
through the window. "See? Its fun. You should
try it," he says.
"Try it? I dont even believe
I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"Its easy. Watch, Ill
do it again." And with that, he falls out the window
again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to
a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails
back through the window. "Give it a try. Its a
blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, Ill
give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to
fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40...
50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends
up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy
casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and
orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and
says, "You know, Superman, youre a real jerk
when youre drunk."
Q: What did the green grape say to the
A: "BREATHE YOU IDIOT,
A Chronological Record of Events as they have
Transpired in the City and County since our last Issue.
WATER MADE TROUBLE.
"Water in the mines has probably
given more trouble in this district in the last thirty
days than ever known before," said an old prospector
today. "This is not because the recent heavy rains
have put more water in the ground than we have often had
before, but the miners were less prepared to handle it.
We had three very dry years preceding this and little
effort was generally required to keep water properly
pumped out of the shafts during that time. Indeed, some
shafts had a deficiency of water supply.
"During this period many new
shafts have been sunk. Naturally they were equipped
sufficiently only to pump the minimum water seepage
encountered at such a time. Naturally also they were
swamped until they added more pumping capacity.
"Also many of the old plants found
it unnecessary to immediately replace some one of their
pumps that may have worn out during the dry period."
2011 BOYLAN ART
AND WRITING CONTEST .
The Carthage R-9 School
Foundation has announced the Boylan Art and
Writing Contest, made possible through a grant
from the Helen S. Boylan Foundation.
The contest is open to Carthage
High School students in grades 9-12. Seven
divisions are offered: Humorous Writing, Fiction,
Essay, Poetry, Two-dimensional Drawing,
Two-dimensional Painting, and
Three-dimensional/Ceramics. First, Second and
Third places are awarded in each division. First
Place winners are awarded $500; the Second Place
award is $300, and Third Place winners receive
$200, resulting in a total of $7,000 in prize
money being distributed.
"The members of the Helen
S. Boylan Foundation Board of Directors are
highly committed to supporting education and
actively support the Carthage R-9 School District
in many ways," said Vicki Cash, Carthage R-9
School Foundation Director. "We are truly
grateful to Helen S. Boylan Foundation for
funding this annual event."
Complete contest details are
available at the CHS Counselors Office or
contact Carthage R-9 School Foundation by calling
NASCAR THIS WEEK
Better Times Ahead
at Petty Motorsports
Petty Enterprises won 10
championships in what is now known as the NASCAR
Sprint Cup Series, a total matched only by modern
dynamo Hendrick Motorsports.
But all 10 of the Petty
Enterprises titles came with men named Petty
behind the wheel. Richard Petty won seven
championships, while his father, Lee, won three.
Richard Pettys last championship occurred
The team currently known as
Richard Petty Motorsports is descended from Petty
Enterprises but is no longer wholly owned by the
family. The current team, recently reconfigured
once again in terms of ownership, has roots in
Petty Enterprises (268 Cup victories), Robert
Yates Racing (57) and Gillett Evernham
Kasey Kahne won twice in 2009
while employed at the team, but he has moved on
to Team Red Bull this year and is headed for
Hendrick Motorsports in 2012. A year ago, Richard
Petty Motorsports entered four Fords in each Cup
race: Kahne, A.J. Allmendinger, Paul Menard and
Elliott Sadler. Menard has since moved to Richard
Childress Racing, and Sadler is scheduled to
compete in the Camping World Truck Series.
Allmendinger, who finished 19th
in the 2010 Sprint Cup standings, is back, along
with newcomer Marcos Ambrose, who was 26th. The
team, no longer associated with previous
principal owner George Gillett, will field only
two Fords this year.
Petty regained control of the
team and managed to acquire new investors. The
decline of Gilletts business empire created
hardships, particularly during the latter half of
the 2010 season.
Allmendinger hopes, and
believes, that smaller will be better.
"This team has had a lot
of good resources, but it was just spread too
thin," he said.
"Obviously we went through
a rough time at the end of last year that we
fought through, and hopefully we are better
because of that. We are more funded now, and more
Ambrose, the Australian driver
previously at JTG/Daugherty Motorsports, said,
"We need to win, no doubt about it. We
expect to win. ... If we can win races and be
consistent, then you never know what is
One of the perils of self
service gas is the tank filler cap.
I did everthing
Id been taught. I removed the cap,
placed it on the fender so, as my dad taught
me, if ya did forget to put it back, it would
fall off near the station.
As I pulled out about a
half block I heard the thump and saw the cap
slidin along the road. I turned around
at the next intersection and returned to
retrieve the cap.
It was nowhere to be found.
I searched the neighborhood, wanderin
through yards, lookin under parked
cars, but not a trace.
After bout a half
hour I retreated to Metcalfs and was
relieved to find that my episode was common
enough that they stock a variety of gas caps.
Supply and demand, its the American
This is some fact, but
Just Jake Talkin
CLICK and CLACK
A couple of weeks ago my
13-year-old daughter asked me what would happen
if the brake and accelerator were pressed at the
same time, and I had to confess my ignorance.
However, I did promise her that this cycle of
ignorance would end with her. Being a very bright
child, she suggested that I ask you guys, and so
I am doing just that: Would you please tell me
(bearing in mind that it wouldnt be good)
what would happen if I stepped on the gas and
brake simultaneously? We thank you in advance. --
Anthea and Rachel Miller
TOM: Well, it wouldnt be
good, I can tell you that!
RAY: Actually, we do it all the
time in the garage. If you plant your foot on the
brake hard enough and then step on the gas, you
are mimicking a situation in which theres a
load on the engine.
TOM: And there are situations
in which its helpful for us to see what
happens when the engine is under load, without
having to strap my brother to the underside of
the hood and drive up a hill at 50 mph.
RAY: For instance, there are
things called motor mounts that hold the engine
in place. If we suspect that a car has a broken
motor mount, we can check by putting a load on
the engine and seeing how much the engine moves.
TOM: Or, if the motor
mounts not broken, we can break it that
RAY: Exactly. Now, when we step
on the gas and brake simultaneously, we do it for
only a few seconds. And if you do that and your
foot is absolutely planted on the brake, nothing
TOM: But if you do it for a
much longer time, you might damage the automatic
transmissions torque converter.
Copyright 2011, Heritage
Publishing. All rights reserved.