| today's
laugh The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After
all of the background checks, interviews, and testing
were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took
one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a
gun.
"We must know that you will follow
your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find
your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can’t be
serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you’re
not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same
instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All
was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes." I tried,
but I can’t kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don’t
have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman’s turn.
She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the
room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They
heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The
door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and
said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat
him to death with the chair."
A college graduate applies for a job as
an industrial spy. Together with several other
applicants, he is given a sealed envelope and told to
take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the young man is
alone, he steps into an empty hallway and opens the
packet. Inside, a message reads: "You’re our
kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."
1911
INTERESTING MELANGE.
A Chronological Record of Events as they have
Transpired in the City and County since our last Issue.
Frisco Car Fired by
Tramps.
The burning of several freight cars in
the Frisco yards was narrowly averted last night, by the
discovery of the blaze in its incipiency.
A passenger who had come in on the
Missouri Pacific noticed that the car, which was standing
almost opposite the Frisco depot, was on fire. He
notified night Operator Whitlock who promptly
extinguished the conflagration.
As the night was quite chilly a fire
had been started in the car by tramps who had
deliberately gone off and left it
Dr. D. F. Luckey has instructions from
the Board of Agriculture to prevent the driving of any
infected cattle from the Indian Territory or Cherokee,
Kan., into Missouri. All the infected range in the
western part of Jasper and Newton counties was burned off
last fall and there is a chance to get entirely rid of
all infections in the state.
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Today's Feature 2011 FLANIGAN
SPEECH CONTEST
WINNERS
ANNOUNCED.
The 2011 winners of the annual
Flanigan Speech Contest were announced by
Carthage R-9 School Foundation Director Vicki
Cash at the Carthage High School Academic Awards
Night on Monday, April 25.
The contest consists of three
divisions, with cash prizes awarded to the
winners. The 2011 winners of the Flanigan Speech
Contest are:
Extemporaneous Speech: Bren
Flanigan
Declamation: Whitney Triplett
Sight Reading: Deborah Stevens
The annual Flanigan Speech
Contest is made possible through a fund
established with the Carthage R-9 School
Foundation by Mr. John H. Flanigan in 1973,
"For the purpose of encouraging Carthage
High School students during the years to come in
the proficient, correct, unaffected, precise,
unstilted, but emphatic and convincing use of the
noble English tongue."
NASCAR THIS WEEK
By
Monte Dutton
Kahne Takes
Layover With Team Red Bull
This stage of Kasey
Kahne’s career is tumultuous almost by
definition. What should be the prime of the
31-year-old’s career is a bit muddled, if
only for now. Kahne left Richard Petty
Motorsports near the end of last season. In 2012,
he will join Hendrick Motorsports, replacing Mark
Martin.
This year, though, Kahne is
taking a one-year ride with Team Red Bull as a
teammate of Brian Vickers.
What’s more, Kahne
underwent knee surgery recently to repair a torn
meniscus. Still, he planned to participate in the
next Sprint Cup race at Richmond International
Raceway.
Thus far, in the No. 4 Toyota,
Kahne has collected three top-10 finishes, though
a disastrous Talladega showing relegated him to
18th in the Sprint Cup standings. He was 11th
four races ago.
"We’ve been learning
some things," said Kahne. "The cars are
a lot different than what we’ve had in the
past ... we’ve been off every week, but ...
we have a great team with Red Bull behind it.
"It’s really nice to
drive awesome equipment, nice cars. TRD (Toyota
Racing Development) does a good job. ... The
teams came together really well, really quickly,
and I think we can run pretty strong throughout
this entire season."
It’s hard to believe this
is actually Kahne’s eighth season in
NASCAR’s premier series. In 2006, he
collected six wins and finished eighth in the
final standings. The most recent of Kahne’s
11 victories occurred in September 2009 at
Atlanta Motor Speedway.
Understandably, Kahne prefers
not to look ahead to next year, when he will join
NASCAR’s premier team, Hendrick. For now, he
wants to concentrate on his present status at
Team Red Bull.
"It’s back to kind of
how it should be, I think," he said. "I
think racing should be fun. It’s a job, but
it should be fun, too.
"It’s nice to see all
the little things they do to prepare. I think my
car is probably one of the nicest cars in that
whole garage over there. ... I’m just happy
to be where I’m at."
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Just Jake
Talkin'
Mornin',
Most would pro’bly
think that frustration comes from lack of
ability or ignorance of a particular subject.
The real basis of frustration comes from not
bein’ able to accomplish somethin’
that is perceived to be within reach.
For those of us who know
the frustration of tryin’ to repair some
type of machine and bein’ confronted by
rusty bolts or inadequate tools, there is
always the satisfaction of venting the anger
with the primitive, but effective, shade tree
hammer throw.
There does seem to be a
direct mathematical relationship between how
important the tool is to completin’ the
job and the distance it lands from the job
site.
This insight is usually
reinforced when the forgotten hammer inflicts
mortal damage to the lawnmower.
This is some fact, but
mostly,
Just Jake Talkin’.
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Carthage Printing |
Weekly
Column
CLICK and CLACK
TALK
CARS
Dear Tom and Ray:
We have a 1996 Plymouth Voyager
with more than 130,000 miles on it that I use to
transport our kids everywhere. On four separate
occasions, the brakes have failed completely with
absolutely NO warning ... no warning light, no
gradual diminution of brake function, just
"Now you have ‘em, now you
don’t." Each time, it was revealed that
a brake line had snapped (and each time, the
offending line was replaced). This also happened
once with a steering line (the steering wheel
locked in traffic). My husband insists that as
long as the brake lines are replaced, it’s
safe to drive. What do you think? Have you ever
heard of this problem before with this make of
vehicle? PLEASE ANSWER! -- Alexis
RAY: We replace miles of
rusted-out brake lines and fuel lines every year.
TOM: And your husband
technically is correct -- once all of those lines
are replaced, they shouldn’t break again for
a long time. So the car CAN be made safe.
RAY: But here’s the
mistake he made -- and why you’re driving
around in terror: Once one of the brake lines
failed, he should have insisted that all of them
be checked and replaced immediately.
TOM: It’s a decade and a
half old.
RAY: You need to have a
mechanic check all the brake lines and fuel
lines. Now that the power-steering line has been
replaced, that shouldn’t be a problem for a
while. But the mechanic also needs to check
everything else that wears out on an old car: the
ball joints, the other steering components, the
shocks and springs, the brakes, the tires, the
amount of rust on the frame, mildew on the fuzzy
dice -- everything.
RAY: Then you and your husband
can decide whether you’d rather put that
money into making your old van safe, or put it
into a newer, more reliable car.
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Copyright 2011, Heritage
Publishing. All rights reserved.
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